Its been a while

Okay I know its been a while since the last post but things have been busy. Right now I am killing time before I finish my packing and finally leave my house for my 4 month English excursion. I have been looking forward to this for a long time and its going to be a super fun adventure. Going to miss everyone here but I will be back soon enough. Oh summer in Toronto its a shame I shall miss thee. Anyway I shall be writing more frequently once I get to england. Hopefully post some pics on facebook of whats going on with me.
Take it sleazy
G-

What to do?

Okay so here is the deal. I had a discussion with my supervisor today and I need to make a decision on whether or not I do my phd directly and not do my masters. Do I want to be tethered to this city for at least 4 more years or should I just get my masters and keep my options open. I need to think really hard about this one. This is one of those life shaping decisions.

England Tickets in my hand

Well its official!!!!!! I have my ticket in my hand. I am gone form the 7th July to October 16th. I am taking the first two weeks in October to travel. 4 months away I can't wait, its going to be so much fun. Its not Australia but it will do. Okay off to the Jays game vs Boston.
-Graeme out

I know this is all going to come out sounding like such a downer, and it would probably be better if i didn't put this down, but i feel like i need to write it out to stop the craziness in my head. it's keeping me from sleep and from anything productive.
I don't know if it's that Ive started going to therapy, or just that all the crappy things seem to happen at the same time, but i am feeling so broken.
I just wish I could stop living for a while. Not that I'm suicidal or anything. I don't want to be dead certainly. and i even love my life. I am just so tired. I wish i could have some time off. where i could just stop being for a while. i need to catch up. I feel like I am so swamped with everything that I can't catch up to my own life and it is overwhelming me to the point of wanting to retreat more and more away from everyone and everything in my life. simply because i can't handle creating any new memories or relationships or even superficial conversation let alone substantial life moments. I want to sort out the past, not even, i just want the past to not exist. and the future not to exist. Why can we not just choose when to move through our own lives and when to pause everything and take a breathe for a minute?!

What she said

Its official I am in a rut. A rut that I desperately need to get out of. I feel like I am getting left behind. Everyone around me has a relationship going and I am that guy again, the friend guy. I have come to terms with that, I just don't really feel like I have anyone to really talk to anymore. But hey thats life right, it can't be all sunshine and puppies all the time. But sunshine and puppies would be AWESOME. I am biding my time right now with work and hoping to get playing golf soon. I am off to bed, goodnight world.

In other words...

I heard that song today "give in" by Tina Dico. and it made me think of how i've been feeling recently. and i think Graeme has been feeling it too. There has been a slump of sorts. It may be the weather, the gray drab spring before the shine that makes you think nothing pretty and vibrant will ever resurface, despite the knowledge that it is just around the corner. the rebirth of flora and good times seemingly too far to count on. It makes one feel an itch that you can't seem to scratch because, while you can feel that it is somewhere on your back, you can't seem to get the spot right on. almost as though it is inside your skin and unscratchable. strangely as i type this my back is getting itchy. a literal itch is so much easier to scratch than a metaphoric one.

So Graeme is off in the spring to England and I am still at odds with what to do with myself. In so many ways I am back at the drawing board. new job? maybe. not sure if i'm ready to leave this one, though i know i should. new apartment. perhaps. though i know i am not anxious to move despite my desire to not live where i am. new city. maybe it's time. but then where? back to the old create a new life for Laura stage. which is both frustrating and lovely.

Similar to the beginning of a road trip. Where you have no plan except to not plan. Where you know you want to have some adventures, but you can't plan for them because you don't know really what you want. But you ar sure that you'll know it when you see it. We always know our cake when we see it don't we Graeme? And we won't hesitate to eat it when we find it. We just like to wait till someone lays it out in front of us so we can say, " Yes I'll take a big piece please".

It's hard but it's worth it

Give in
to your confusion
theres no good in hiding
why you're unusual
leave it behind
then change your mind
take what you find
it will be good enough

too young to be heroes
too old to play april fools
too smart to be honest
cause we've got too much to lose

too late to be perfect
it's not like we haven't tried
it's hard but its worth it
every time we get it right

every time you give in
and go where it takes you
stand by the feeling
even if it breaks you
it's always a guess
which way's the best
take what you find and
make it good enough

and even when you're lost inside yourself
even when too weak to cry for help
even when you can't put up a fight
even when your broke and you aren't right
maybe it's the struggle that you need
something to disturb you in your sleep
a kiss of madness on your cheek

when will you see
you've got to give in to your confusion
leave it behind
then change your mind
take what you find and let it be good enough